| Author | Message | ||
| Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme Post Number: 111 Registered: 11-2003 |
Melinda Asleep in the Passenger Seat My line of sight strays to you like a compass needle drawn by the taste of a scrapyard. I eye the discoball fabric of your dress just long enough to induce brazen honking from the right, swerve away with immediate regret. What a perfect wreck we’d make for Los Angeles to ogle. Crushed together inside the busted chassis, the bra strap hanging off your shoulder, tempting as a ribbon. The tinsel sheen of your hair, those fishing lure earrings. Me with a broken mouth of amalgam fillings, that never felt the jolt of your 99 volt kiss. And under all that shining carnage our wounds would be so red, these career girls with their origami suits would be the ones swerving, over to the breakdown lane to double check their manicures. (Message edited by Graeme on August 29, 2005) (Message edited by Graeme on August 30, 2005) | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1259 Registered: 12-2003 |
Very well written Graeme. Wonderful change of movement with this line; 'Me with a broken mouth of amalgam fillings, that never felt the jolt of your 99 volt kiss.' A tightly crafted piece and much enjoyed. A small possibility for you to consider would be to remove 'to you' in the first line.. just a thought. kind regards lia | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5044 Registered: 11-1998 |
Whoa, most intense, Graeme. Made all the more provocative by the narrator's casual attitude to the carnage. Loved this simile: "My line of sight strays to you like a compass needle drawn by the taste of a scrapyard." The words "by the taste of a scrapyard" were not only apt, on target for the content, but unusual enough not to even skirt cliche. The only sentence I got hung up on was this: "What a perfect wreck we’d make for Los Angeles to look in on." I tripped the first time I read it. Any way to smooth that out? | ||
| Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme Post Number: 113 Registered: 11-2003 |
Hey M- how about "for Los Angeles to ogle"? ogle is a weird word and i have some hesitation about using it here, but i really like the brevity. hmmmm. | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 128 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi graeme and excellent revision, kudo's for that. in s3, consider moving a line or two up to s2 as they really belong to that stanza's thought: 'of amalgam fillings, that never felt the jolt of your 99 volt kiss.' maybe enjamb all but 'kiss'? Also, the line 'these career girls' i think would be more clear as a comparison/link to the wounds if you said 'that career girls'. thx for the read s |
